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“People are different. And it is the best way.” Patrick Mitchell, the “Down to Earth Dad” and facilitator of the national Dads Matter!™ Project, is a fellow columnist of mine at Children’s Voice. His recent column on eye contact will resonate with many parents of children with autism, and he graciously agreed to allow me to reprint it here. Thanks, Patrick! Parent Eye Contact: How It Builds Children's Self-Esteem By Patrick Mitchell
"Eye contact is one of the most powerful means we have to express our feelings to our children," Campbell says. But men aren't very good at it. "Dads need to make a conscious effort to look at their children in a loving, positive way. Fathers tend to spend their day sort of gazing at nothing, almost looking through things." Parents often save their most intense, direct eye contact for times when their kids misbehave, Campbell says, making some children fearful when they're young, and angry or resentful when they're older. "Go to your favorite mall and watch the way parents use eye contact. It's really frightening. About the only time you'll find parents making eye contact with their children--and this has been thoroughly researched--is when they're reprimanding them or giving very specific instructions. The rest of the time, most parents don't even bother to give their children eye contact at all. It's almost all negative." Parents ask him, "How can I help my child's self-esteem?" Positive eye contact is the answer. "Every child has specific emotional needs, and the biggest...is for receiving unconditional love," Campbell says. "There’s a lot of ways to give a child love, and one of the most powerful ways is with eye contact. You can give eye contact in a conditional way, or in a nonconditional way, and it makes a tremendous difference in the heart of the child." "If the child receives pleasant eye contact only when he or she pleases the parents," Campbell says, "that's conditional love, and that's very damaging to the child. That tells the child she or he isn't worth much in her own right, and she's only valued if she performs correctly. So that child will never develop the self-esteem and a jillion other things that a healthy child needs to have. "A perfect parent, theoretically, would be making pleasant eye contact with the child all the time, regardless of the child's behavior. That's impossible, of course; no parent is [perfect]. But, the closer we get to it, the better parents we are. Making Contact How do child-and-family advocates, educators, and practitioners teach the power of positive eye contact?"Eye contact is easy to do," Campbell says. "You simply have a pleasant look on your face when you're looking at your child, looking into your child's eyes. It's a steady gaze, and a loving, pleasant look on one's face. It's got to become something that's habitual to the parent. The parent can't just do it now and then. The closer we come to doing that all the time--whenever we're around that child, giving as much eye contact as we can--the better. At first, it takes a lot of work and concentration, and then it becomes natural and we just do it all the time. And that's what we want." But he warns, "You can't just suddenly start making eye contact and expect your older child to be totally comfortable with that." Better to start making positive eye contact early, Campbell says, because if you wait too long, "they just might not accept it and you've got a real problem then. How are you going to make them feel your love when they won't even make eye contact with you? Some won't even let you touch them. "You start very, very gradually, then you gradually increase it as they can tolerate it." Patrick Mitchell publishes a monthly newsletter, The Down to Earth Dad, from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, and facilitates the Dads Matter! Project™ for early childhood programs, schools, and child- and family-serving organizations. He conducts keynote addresses, workshops and trainings. To contact Patrick, call toll-free at 877/282-DADS, or e-mail him at patrick@downtoearthdad.org or visit his Website: www.downtoearthdad.org
And speaking of Children’s Voice... Meet my I’ve never been one to waste my limited energy looking back and wishing I’d done things differently. But I do get the occasional letter from a reader asking just that question. I tell them this: if anything, I would have carved out some time for myself, let my boys see me as something other than the 110% mom I was during their younger years. They turned out great, so I can’t second-guess myself too much, but I see now that they would have been just as great if I’d spent some time on myself.
Then there’s Steve, aka ship's chanteyman Nathanial "Gute" Morgan of the proud vessel, The Drunken Ferret. Yep, in his “other life,” Steve is a pirate. He used to be a Klingon, making the rounds at Renaissance fairs (“Once we were asked why we were there. Our response was, ‘Are you suggesting the Klingons did not have a Renaissance?’”). But pirate work pays better. Here is Steve’s story:
We do crowd interaction, talk about pirate history, and sing sea chanteys, English and Irish pub tunes, Celtic ballads, and renaissance festival favorites. We've done live demonstrations of sword fighting and black powder guns (flintlocks). Our website is www.piratesforsail.com. Our CD, A Shot Across the Bow, is available at CDBaby.com. This summer we hope to go back to the studio to work on our second CD, Band on the Rum.” Foreign translations resource page, new on my website! Autism knows no political boundaries. My books and articles have been translated into many languages, and now there’s a place to go to get translations of my articles and information on buying translated versions of my books. Currently we have article translations in Spanish, French, Dutch, Danish and Turkish, and books translations either published or in process in Dutch, Korean, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Latvian and Turkish. Check it out at here.If you are in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area, we’ll have two opportunities to meet in March. On March 13, I’ll be keynoting P.E.P. Rally: Parents, Educators, and Providers working together to provide the best services for students with autism. The conference is sponsored by California University of Pennsylvania at Coal Center and Intermediate Unit One. Afternoon breakouts include sessions on transition, assistive technology, visual strategies, play therapy, language acquisition, early detection and more. I will also be available for round-table Q&A sessions in the afternoon. Click here for more information. On March 14, I’ll be speaking at the Autism Conference of the Pennsylvania Cyber Charter School in Midland. For more information email the school.
President Bush’s FY 2009 Budget: cuts to research and services What does President Bush’s proposed 2009 budget means for those affected by autism? (Source: Autism Society of America)
Read the ASA’s full article and call to action here. Get involved in this year’s election! Quick stuff, updates, tidbits: My February feature about the US Surgeon General’s downloadable tool for tracking family health history has been one of the most-clicked links I’ve ever published. If you missed it, the Surgeon General’s Office of the US Department of Health and Human Services has developed My Family Health Portrait, an Internet program/ tool to help you track, organize and share with your health Thoughts to Live By, courtesy of Bryce: Bryce is enjoying his first experience with high school sports, on the track and field team of Edison’s sister school, Jesuit High School. On one particular day, his sore muscles wouldn’t do what he wanted, and he came home a little down. “It’s OK though,” he assured me. “I’m not in this to be a big star. I just want to live a long healthy life.” (Does anyone doubt that he will?) The Article Anthology on my website has been updated – Take a look here. Newsletter archive on my website: if you are new to our newsletter community, please visit the newsletter archive on my website and browse some popular past features.
If your travels bring you through Portland, please consider staying at the Heathman Hotel, who responded generously to our request for support of our beloved Thomas Edison High School for different learners. The Heathman donates to these kinds of worthy causes more than any hotel in Portland, and we are very grateful. This month in Autism Asperger’s Digest
Excerpt: Another February has come and gone, and that makes twenty-something times I will not have received a Valentine from my husband. He has a long-standing allergy to what he calls “commercially mandated” holidays, and I really don’t care because 365 days a year, he shows his love in dozens of ways... The good thing about growing older is that your kids grow older too. One day they emerge from childhood and, rather than telling you all that you do wrong, they begin to tell you everything that you did right. Connor is 20 now and Bryce is nearing 16, and they tell me that although they certainly heard those three little words “I love you” from me on an ad nauseum basis, it was a number of other three-word phrases and the actions that accompanied them that really imprinted the I-love-you message on their hearts. “I’ll be there...” Autism Asperger’s Digest
Following are some groups and organizations who have contacted me recently. These groups are all actively involved in supporting families living with autism. PENNSYLVANIA FOSTER PARENTS ASSOCIATION BRUNEI Learning Ladders Society for early intervention for autism and other developmental and learning disabilities. Our mission: help connect families with qualified and experienced professionals, offer assistance with the provision of home-based therapy, provide resources and support to families affected by autism and other developmental disorders and educate parents, carers and the general public about autism and other developmental and learning disabilities. Sharina Hj Yunus (President) Tel: 8829629 VANCOUVER ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA Foster Parents Support Service Society provides resources, and education to foster families living on Vancouver Island, British Columbia through support groups, workshops, seminars, information sessions, and other creative outlets. Monthly newsletter, The Island Connection, is available. Nanaimo Office: 2-6421 Applecross Rd, Nanaimo, BC, V9V 1N1 LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY Kentucky Autism Training Center LANSING, MICHIGAN The Autism Society of Michigan The Autism Society of Michigan OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY Wendell Foster’s Campus for Developmental Disabilities serves individuals with developmental disabilities and their families in western Kentucky and southern Indiana through their Comprehensive Outpatient Rehabilitation Facility with cutting-edge speech, physical, and occupational therapy, and the Western Kentucky Assistive Technology Center. Services include Sensory Room for outpatient therapies, a local Autism Support Network and library, and residential services. Wendell Foster’s Campus CALIFORNIA Aspira Foster and Family Services provides safe, nurturing foster homes for thousands of children. We help families at risk stay together - keeping children out of the foster care or group care system - through counseling and other much-needed support. We provide mental health services to individuals and families in the community as well as those in foster care or group care. Orange Office
Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders The Autism Trail Guide: Postcards from the Road Less Traveled Read the Preface, here. Read the first chapter, You Know More Than You Think You Know, here.If you’ve read my books and feel inclined to share your thoughts with others, please consider posting a review on my book pages at www.amazon.com. It’s easy to do and you don’t have to post your real name. Please forward this newsletter to anyone you feel might share an interest in our kids with autism. New subscribers can sign up at my website. If your spam-blocking software is particularly aggressive , you may want to add our email address <emailme@ellennotbohm.com> to your “white list” of senders. We take your privacy very seriously, and do not share our mailing list addresses or information with any other entity or business. ©2008 Ellen Notbohm | Third Variation Strategies, LLC |
Newsletter for March 2008
Dads and moms who look lovingly upon their children enhance their self-worth, says pediatrician Ross Campbell, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of Tennessee, College of Medicine.
Steve Boehm is the parent of a child with an ASD who embodies this in a delightful manner. Steve is an important person in my life. As editor of Children’s Voice, he was the first to publish Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew back in 2004, and he later asked me to write a regular column for CV. Steve’s son Jason is a little older than Bryce, so Steve and I have had a running dialogue about our sons and how autism impacts adolescence. That’s Steve the Professional and Steve the Parent.
“Pirates for Sail is a performing group in the Baltimore-Annapolis-Washington DC region. Also known as the Crew of the Drunken Ferret, we perform weekly at the Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, MD, and at pirate and renaissance festivals, weddings and other events. We got started in 2005 when our captain, Mad Molly Mudd (a.k.a. Kathy Michau) was asked by her husband and son what she wanted to do for Mothers Day and she responded that she wanted to get dressed like a pirate and take a cruise aboard the tall ship Clipper City around Baltimore's Inner Harbor. They made such an impression on the ship's crew and passengers that the owner asked them if they would be interested in doing occasional shows aboard ship. They recruited a few friends including me, your humble servant and ship's chanteyman, Nathanial "Gute" Morgan. 
Three Little Words