Issue No. 37, April 2012

“It’s never the differences between people that surprise us. It’s the things that,
against all odds, we have in common.”

~ Jodi Picoult

Alike, not less

Autism Awareness Month arrived this year amid louder than usual pre-game analysis and controversy. The American Psychiatric Association plans to narrow the definition of autism in next year’s new fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, while just last week the Centers for Disease Control announced new findings placing the incidence of autism in children at 1 in 88, up from 1 in 156 just ten years ago, and 1 in 750 when Bryce was identified in 1995.

During Autism Awareness Month, we will step up the dialogue about what makes our kids different from typically developing children. And talk about it we must, because it is the basis for spurring the kind of action we need to be able to equalize some of these differences, to teach our kids the skills they’ll need to join the flow of life and community as productive adults.

But it’s only half of the discussion.

I recently came across an article touting fifty tips for calming an angry “Aspergers (sic) child.” Any parent or teacher of a child with Asperger’s will glom onto a list like that, right? And much of the counsel in the piece was sound. But here's what got me: the article used the term Aspergers child  (or Aspergers  youngster ) twenty-six times; the advice contained in the nearly all those instances applied to all kids. The article stated that “Aspergers children” reflect their parents’ moods, have trouble remaining calm amid chaos, respond well to creative play outlets and fun ways to blow off energy, etc. And they do—as do many, if not most, kids. The biggest take-away from a such a list should be the realization that our children with autism or Asperger’s have so much common with "typical" kids, and that we’ll see that when we step back from being 100% focused on their differences.

“Different, not less” was the riveting line from the movie Temple Grandin, the way Temple’s mother insisted her daughter be viewed. Our kids’ differences are easy to see, often glaring. But if we neglect looking in at least equal part for their similarities to other children, we will never see the whole child. It’s through those similarities that your child or student will forge connections to others, and those connections are what will determine in such great part his success in life as a dynamic, self-sufficient adult. It’s through those similarities that we see that his autism is only part of who he is, not all of who he is, not to blame for every one of his quirks and foibles, not the source of every one of his abilities and charms.

In that spirit, I offer you a list called Alike, Not Less—Fifty Ways Your Child with Autism is Like All Children.

Like all children—

He has personal interests.

He has fears.

He has preferences.

He has ideas.

He has dreams.

He has feelings that are hurt by the unkind actions and words of others.

He has a self-image, also influenced by the actions and words of others.

He has a sense of humor, which may not be the same as yours.

He is growing; his body is changing, his brain is developing.

He will reach puberty; his hormones will kick in.

He will experience the mood shifts of adolescence.

He will have wet dreams; she will menstruate.

Like all children—

She makes mistakes.

She forgets stuff.

She remembers stuff—beware!

She gets tired—physically, mentally, emotionally.

She gets cranky when she’s tired-- physically, mentally, emotionally.

She can’t know what she hasn’t been taught.

She needs instruction, encouragement and practice to form a good habit or break an undesirable one.

She needs to be able to trust you.

She needs to feel safe.

Until she feels safe, she can’t learn to trust others.

She is influenced by adult example.

Her attention span is greater for some things than for others.

She can learn.

Like all children—

He needs adequate sleep.

He needs good medical care.

He will do significantly better in school (cognitively and behaviorally) if he eats a nutritious breakfast.

He will do significantly better in his afternoon classes and activities if he eats a nutritious lunch.

He needs unstructured time to dream.

He needs a certain amount of privacy.

He needs his good efforts rewarded, by word or deed.

He needs you not just to provide food, clothing and shelter, but also to do so in a respectful manner.

He needs you to take good care of yourself, so you can take good care of him.

Like all children—

She needs to play.

She likes to play with toys—although her definition of “toy” and “play” and “the right way” to play with toys may not match yours. (Look up “toy” and “play.”)

She needs to be taught things she cannot learn through play, such as traffic safety and cooking.

She needs to hear more praise than criticism—every day.

She needs to feel heard.

She grieves when she loses something significant to her—although her grief may not look like yours would.

She wants to feel valued.

She needs ways to contribute meaningfully.

She needs to experience the natural world in all its wet, dry, hot, cold, rough, gooshy smells and touches and sensations and sounds.

Like all children—

He will develop his self-image built on dualities: good/bad, smart/stupid, attractive/homely.

He will defend himself when emotionally, verbally or physically cornered, by lying, lashing out, evading, or any other means available to him.

He needs you to answer to all his questions, regardless of whether you find them silly or tiresome.

He needs adults who remember what it felt like to be a kid.

He needs adults who will explain the tough things like death and sex.

He needs long-term relationships with caring adults.

He needs spaces or places where he feels he belongs.

“Different, not less.”  Autism Awareness Month, while we have the world’s often-fickle attention, is our opportunity to erase a useless duality. Being different (not less) in some aspects of our children’s humanity in no way negates the multitudinous characteristics they share with all children, all the ways in which they are alike, not less.

© 2012 Ellen Notbohm
Contact the author for permission to reproduce or distribute
Originally published in Ellen Notbohm's newsletter, April 2012

Current Reads

Autism Asperger’s Digest
Raising a Quitter

No parent sets out to raise a quitter. Your lip curls just at the suggestion, doesn’t it?

My thoughts on this loaded subject crystallized with the following question from a reporter: “When is it okay for a child to quit a sport or activity? How can parents determine the difference between a truly bad fit and a child who simply wants to stop when the going gets tough, only to start another activity and repeat the cycle?”

Definitions can be subjective. With so many everyday words, like quit, our attitudes about parenting often collide with objective evaluation of what might be best for our child. Consider the quitter: quitting is a behavior, and behavior is a parenting paradox. When our children behave “well” or “appropriately,” we take pride in them, and in ourselves for having so ably taught them. But when they present us with “undesirable” behavior, we are less likely to look within our own behaviors to find the influence on theirs. Yet the seeds that sow a quitter may indeed come from our hand. . .

Meet me in Norfolk and Virginia Beach

I’ll be speaking to parent and professional groups on April 25 and 26 in presentations sponsored by Kohl’s Cares Family Forums and The Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. The programs are free. Learn more

E-read me! My books are now available on iTunes, Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble NOOK, and Sony Reader Store.

Did you miss my last newsletter? Experts One and All  takes on Paul Newman’s question, “Who's to say who's an expert?”

I’m booking speaking engagements, readings and book signings for 2012. Contact me at

Join the discussion and keep up with my latest on Facebook
This is where you’ll find the latest news, dialogue and preaching ;o) about all the subjects my work encompasses. Post your comments and share your ideas. This month our topics included whether autism/Asperger’s is an excuse for bad manners, preparing or kids for standardized testing—or not, how the Occupy movement relates to autism. See you on Facebook!

Visit me at
Book excerpts, articles, news blog, foreign translations, newsletter archive. Stop by and tell me what you think and what you’d like to see.

Follow me on Twitter at EllenNotbohm

Invite me to visit you
Got blog? Yes, I do guest shots. Got book group? We can hook up by phone or Skype. Got show? Web, radio and podcast interviews available via phone or Skype.

Book excerpts on website

Cick here for book excerpts

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew
from Chapter 8: Please Help Me with Social Interactions

Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew
In its entirety, Chapter 3: I Think Differently

1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Asperger’s, 2nd edition
"What We Miss in Misbehavior” and "Game Plan for Meltdowns"

The Autism Trail Guide: Postcards from the Road Less Traveled
“The Power of a Cookie”

Newsletter archive: if you are new to our newsletter community, please visit the newsletter archive on my website and browse some popular past features at my newsletter archive

If you’ve read my books and feel inclined to share your thoughts with others, please consider posting a review on my book pages at It’s easy to do and you don’t have to post your real name.

Please forward this newsletter to anyone you feel might share an interest in our kids with autism. New subscribers can sign up at here.

©2012 Ellen Notbohm | Third Variation Strategies